And I’m Like… (Reviewing Royal Rumble January 24th 2016)

Hey everyone, it’s that time of year again. Royal Rumble is an event that seems to get a lot of hype. I have never really been a fan of battle royals. I still enjoy them, I just have never felt emotion outside of OH SHIT! I enjoy it mostly because of the game my family plays. This will be the first year we don’t because of the small group watching it. Life gets in the way and people get busy.

The game we play is basic. Put 30 numbers in a hat. Divide 30 by how many people are with. We usually had 6 people so we would all get 5 numbers. Whoever comes out when your number is up is your person, put some money in and we got everyone invested in every person in the match. Good times!

The preshow was fun, Social Outcasts held down the Social Media room and answered questions most entertainingly. Mark Henry and Jack Swagger won the four-way tag match, even though Sandow was OVER LIKE ROVER!

My cousin who is a freshman in high school, tried signing up for the Network tonight but it wouldn’t process his request. I lent him my Network account, just cause WWE dropped the ball on him signing up doesn’t mean he won’t watch Royal Rumble. He pulls for Roman and Ambrose and the Uso’s.

Get ready to point at the sign for 3 months y’all.

Royal Rumble Opening-

• The show starts with a limousine and Vince McMahon followed by Stephanie. Vince is stoked to see JoJo
• How did JoJo get a job? She was 19, then became a backstage announcer? What is she about? She a wrestling fan?

  Last Man Standing Match

Intercontinental Title Match

Kevin Owens vs. Dean Ambrose

• They go at it real fast and furious.. Not holding back at all with the punches
• Kevin Owens is the best, you know how he hates Cole? Owens got thrown over the table and when he was trying to get up, a knocked down Michael Cole was next to him, and Kevin kept shoving Coles face.
• The first 10 count happened when Ambrose threw Owens into the steps. Owens got up and Ambrose attacked him with the kendo stick.
• Cole was cheering for Ambrose like crazy.
• Kevin Owens gets advantage of the situation and cannonballs Dean Ambrose through the barricade.
• Owens splits a kendo stick in half and stabs Dean Ambrose. Yells at him to stay down. This is just a fight!!
• Owens starts covering the ring in chairs, that seems to be a staple for Ambrose matches.
• Owens and Ambrose fight over two chairs set up, they tease moves on the chairs. Ambrose hits his rebound lariat for a 4 count. Ambrose gets hit with a chair for a 6 count.
• Owens keeps trying to put Ambrose through the chairs but Ambrose is able to back body drop Owens.
• Ambrose tried to dive through the ropes but Owens caught him in a bearhug and rammed Dean into the apron.
• Owens pulls out a table. This match is- one guy does a big move, the other guy answers back with a big move. Back and forth. One guy is knocked down so the other guy sets up weapons.
• Owens stacked two tables outside like this was WWE 2k16
• Owens goes to superplex Ambrose, I don’t think he has his three finishers saved up yet so it didn’t work.
• Ambrose threw a chair at Owens head and it got stuck around his neck.
• Ambrose does his strike combination but gets caught with a superkick. Owens goes for a pop up powerbomb but Ambrose reversed into a hurricanrana followed by a Dirty Deeds.
• Dirty Deeds on the chair by Ambrose now.
• Owens played it smart and rolled out of the ring so he landed on his feet as the crowd screamed “fight Owens fight”
• Ambrose puts Owens on a table and dives off the top through a table.
• Owens got up and Ambrose got another table, he puts the table in the ring and attacks Owens with a chair.
• Owens should hit a big move next because of the way the match is working.
• Yep, Owens hits his fisherman buster from the top rope through a table. Owens got up at 8, Ambrose got up at 9.
• Owens yelled stay down and Ambrose got popped up and powerbombed down.
• Ambrose gets up and Owens attacks with chairs.
• Owens sets up 5 or 6 chairs and lays Ambrose on them. Owens climbs to the top rope and Ambrose rushes him and throws Owens through the stacked tables!!!!!! That’s all folks.

And I’m Like… That match was bonkers. Ambrose should have won that so Owens can move on to bigger and better things going into Mania. This was a perfect way to start off the Rumble. The match story was basic but it was told well, couldn’t ask for much more out of these too.

we get a commercial lolol. I can’t believe the people that pay $50 and have to watch a commercial.

  Tag Team Championship Match

New Day vs. The Uso’s

• Big E says he is sad about losing the trombone Francesca. Francesca got it’s (her?) own chant. Fran-cesca.
• Xavier Woods came out with a bigger trombone. The crowd cheered then boo’d. The newest member of the New Day is Francesca 2.
• Kofi said what about Francesca? Xavier said he has needs so he had to get a new one.
• My feed keeps cutting out of HD… Is this the producers of the Oscars?
• New Day does a bunch of golden references. They dance until The Uso’s come out.
• Boo-So… amirite?
• This match has THE BRIGHTEST tights ever. You got neon yellow, green, and orange in the Uso’s and Neon pink and blue for The New Day.
• JBL told Byron he wouldn’t know about street cred. Byron said you’d be surprised.
• Big E knocked an Uso to the outside, then started slowly gyrating and grinding behind Uce. Uso reversed it.
• Xavier hit a tornado DDT off of the barricade!!
• Xavier yells into the Trombone and it raises the volume of his voice.
• Woods doing great heel work. The crowd chants “play Francesca” and Xavier throws her down and the crowd Boo’s.
• The crowd (thinking the NXT fans) chant “heeey we want Francesca”
• They also do a “New DayRocks” even though they just booed Xavier.. so yeah NXT crowd.
• Not all of the NXT crowd just the annoying ones…
• A great spot happens when Kofi and Uso start to both superkick each other. Kofi just trips up an Uce and gains control easy. By the way… Superkicks get so spammed so often yet they still have a great impact.
• The match broke down when Big E went for a dive out of the ring, an Uso blocked it. Kofi went to take him out but other Uce dove on Kofi. Big E hit the dive to the outside and all men were taken out.
• The Uso’s went for their finish, the crowd boo’d relentlessly.
• After a few pin reversals, Big E hit the Big Ending for the win.

And I’m Like… That was a piss break/smoke break match. The match was fun though, Xavier Woods is a great manager. New Day are why the match is enjoyable. The Uso’s are there yea, but they haven’t deviated from their style in years so it’s kind of rinse and repeat. I hope the New Day get a good program after this, not sure against what team, maybe Social Outcasts?

The Wyatts cut a promo about being The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. I hope Tyler Breeze gets some tv time soon because Zoolander. Bray sings “he’s got the whole world in his hands” Can I get a cover of “with my baby tonight”

  United States Championship

Kalisto vs. Alberto Del Rio

• Brock Lobster sign!!!
• This is my pee break match… Won’t be able to do a play by play seeing as how I am blogging while I watch it. So I will be gone for a bit and come back…
• (leaves to take break ) My cousin said “why two Mexicans fighting for the United States Title WTF?” lol
• I come back with Del Rio doing his finisher which my cousin Matt dubbed “wrestling is real”. My cousin Nick is the freshman in high school, my cousin Matt is watching the Rumble with me while my wife and daughter are sleeping in the other room.
• After I came back from break I asked Matt what I missed… he said “nothin much” so there ya go.
• Kalisto reversed Wrestling is Real Stomp and hit Salita Del Sol and Del Rio got his arm on the rope at 2.
• After some more moves and stuff Kalisto hits another SDS and becomes a two-time United States champion.

And I’m Like… Sorry if you were interested in that match, if you wanted to know what happened just watch Raw from last week. Same title change and everything. Let’s hope Del Rio gets away from that US Title. He took what Cena did to it and bathed the title in mediocrity.

We see Stephanie texting while Paul Heyman showed up. He calls her Madame McMahon. Not much has been said, other then what Paul has been saying the past few weeks.

  Divas Championship

Becky Lynch vs. Charlotte 

• Cousin Nick texts me and says “finally”, he is 14. Cousin Matt says “we have to watch a video about this fuckin girl? I don’t even like her” he is 30. I am 26 and am so stoked for this match. Demographics I guess.
• The video package told us the life story of Charlotte and Becky Lynch since being on Raw. I am getting butterflies you guys!!
• Becky comes out in a Mad Hatter type outfit. The crowd Whooaahh’s with her entrance song. Cousin Matt says “her and her stupid hat” I think he is a Charlotte fan, Cousin Nick texted “Becky all the way!!!”. I just want a good match followed by a Charlotte win so Sasha can beat her at Mania.
• Charlotte holds her belt up, I go “ugh” cousin Matt goes “I know” I said “that pimple glitter by her eye?” He said “oh I thought you were talkin bout the belt.. she should throw that in the garbage”
• This match is starting off with a catch-as-catch-can style, going move for move and hold for hold. The pace is fast too “let’s go Becky” by the crowd.
• Becky is working over Charlotte’s arm so it will be harder for Charlotte to bridge on her Figure-8. Charlotte works over Becky’s arm a bit to show she is better at everything.
• Charlotte tries to hide behind Ric but Becky knows the routine, waits for Charlotte so show herself and catch her with a clothesline. Ric Flair forced himself on Becky instead. Let’s say Flair pulled a Cosby. Becky was so repulsed that it misdirected her attention and Charlotte took advantage.
• JBL drops Arnold Skaaland managing Bruno Sammartino as a reference to Ric and Charlotte. I like it.
• Becky reversed the Figure-8 and then Charlotte reversed Becky’s submission attempt. This match is still move for move and hold for hold. The moves and holds are just getting more and more impactful.
• Who has the better spear? Charlotte or Roman Reigns?
• Becky is able to do the cross-armbreaker in a move reminiscent of last Monday when Becky beat Tamina.
• Charlotte did a Backlund one arm powerbomb for two. Flair is yelling for Charlotte over and over.
• Charlotte went to baseball slide Becky but Flair got hit instead. Becky puts her finisher on and Flair throws his coat over Becky’s head and Becky lets go of the submission. Charlotte hits a spear for the win.

And I’m Like… So if someone throws clothes in the ring on a person.. it’s not a DQ? FUCKIN SASHA BANKS!!!! OH MY GOD!!! I WOKE MY DAUGHTER UP!!!! Cousins are texting my other cousin is stoked too!!! There is the Mania sign too!!! OH MY GOD YOU GUYS!!!! Sasha just kicked Becky…. “My spotlight Becky” Sasha gots the pinkest hair. Dude!!! She shook Charlottes hand like NXT BFF style. I am disappointed… Charlotte and Ric leave the ring and SASHA ATTACKS LIKE A BOSS!!! She does her Bankstatement to Charlotte!!! She WOO’S too!!! Sasha grabs the Diva’s title and did a Flair strut… LIKE A BOSS!!! The crowd popped, my cousin Matt is singing her theme song to my cat Macho Man.. Sasha.. thank you, you made my fucking week!! That was just great. Overshadowed the match but damn.. that reaction too tho.!

Can’t get much more of a wrestling high for me. Elation, excitement, validation, anticipation! Only thing that will make this night even better for me is if Daniel Bryan comes out.. I’ll probably cry though.. He gives me the most emotionals.

  Royal Rumble for the World Heavyweight Championship

Not sure how I will write this.. like do I bold all the entrants? Do I count who threw who out? I think I am just gonna write what I see. This will be hard to do, like Jim Ross said “Royal Rumble is the hardest match to call.” I know I am gonna miss stuff.. This pay per view or free per event or whatever has flown by. Well paced and placed matches.. here we go. Lillian says 90 second intervals.. I wonder if it will hold true.

• Roman Reigns enters first to a smattering of boo’s.
• Rusev is number two. Cousin Matt predicts 3 and 4 are League of Nation guys as well.
• The story the announcers give us is that Rusev and Roman were the last two in the match last year. Roman already hit his signature and finisher.. Rusev is gone… boo.
• Aj Styles is here!!! Holy Shit.. Cousin Matt just sat STRAIGHT UP!! So stoked.. That theme song too.. MUAH!!
• This is our generations Sting and this is Sting vs. Hogan… That theme song tho..
• Aj looks around and the crowd is so hype it froze my feed!!
• Once we are rebooted Curtis Axel is in the ring!! He is a Minnesota favorite. Slater saved Axel from getting eliminated. Axel does the Mr. Perfect leg kick bump.
• Y2J is entrant number 6… So that means we missed one? Too bad I guess.
• Styles tries to do The Styles Clash as Michael Cole says. I guess I missed Tyler Breeze… he was thrown out already? Damn…
• Kane is out next, they need to fill this ring up so Roman can rest. Kane is beating all the people up.
• Jericho is almost eliminated and does the saddest elimination save this side of the Gimmick Battle Royale
• Goldust is on his way out and is entering his 11th Royal Rumble.
• JBL pulls a John Madden and says “you can’t win this match, you gotta not lose, and be the last guy in the ring when it’s over”
• Ryback comes out and the crowd goes mild… Ryback destroys people and does the “Feed Me More” chant and the crowd obliges.
• New Day are prepping Xavier to get in the ring but the graphic says Kofi Kingston so Kofi gets in the ring… How will he get eliminated this time?
• AJ gets back body dropped HIGH in the air.. lands on his hip like very rough. Jericho runs over to him and you can tell Jericho is checking on him. Tries to eliminate him, then Goldust tries, AJ fights off.
• Jericho is like the big brother.
• Roman is getting thrown out but the camera is too focused on AJ.
• R-Truth comes out and tries to bring a ladder into the ring… He climbs the ladder… once on top he looks confused and asks “what kinda match is this?”
• Kofi gets thrown over by Kane but Big E catches him and then they just hang outside of the ring.
• Luke Harper is out next at unlucky number 13.
• League of Nations come out and McMahon is with them. They pull Roman to the outside and decimate Reigns. Cole says “as they destroy Reigns on the outside” and my knee jerk reaction is ‘commercial’
• As the LoN sets Roman up on a table, Stardust comes out.
• Rusev runs from table to table and splashes Roman through a table. Good job Ru-Ru
• They all celebrate… even though he is knocked out, outside of the ring, and to lose you gotta get thrown over the top rope.
• Big Show comes out as Roman gets stretchered out.. Well Roman decides he is too strong and walks to the back while Roman is holding his ribs. That must mean they don’t think Roman has the stamina to last.
• Cousin Matt and I were wondering where New Day was and then a split screen shows us Jericho eliminated Kofi…. oh… shitty.
• Braun Strowman comes out and takes out Neville who came out before him in a cape. Kane and Braun fight quickly, Kane gets tossed over the top.
• Big Show faces off Strowman in the obligatory hoss standoff.
• Strowman eliminated Kane and Big Show…
• Kevin Owens limps his way to the ring… Seeing that he went through more physically than Roman, that means Owens is tougher… waaaay tougher.
• Owens goes right for AJ and eliminates him!!!! Give me that feud please and thank you. Good job AJ. Clap for that man.. not Dumbledore Clap, but still.. clap. The crowd chants “AJ Styles” as AJ makes his way to the back.. sweet…. too sweet.
• Dean Ambrose comes out bandaged up.. you know who isn’t? Kevin Owens.. toughest sumbitch in WWE.
• We are getting to the meat of this Rumble where all the guys just hang out and beat each other up without elimination.
• HOLY SHIT SAMI ZAYN!!! Holy Shit Zayn eliminated Kevin Owens!!! OH GOD.. Owens.. AJ… Sami… Dean… Intercontinental scene is hot right now!!!
• Erick Rowan comes out as the crowd “Ole’s their heart out.  Harper eliminated Stardust and Neville. Braun is legit just standing in the ring.. Not touching anyone..
• We get Mark Henry now.. he is number 22. I wonder when Roman comes back out, will he have a full entrance again?
• Braun eliminates Mark Henry and we got Dean, Sami, and Jericho against 3 Wyatts.
• Cole says “seeya bye” to Sami Zayn because Strowman.
• Brock Lesnar comes out and the crowd comes unglued. This is his second Rumble.. meaning Brock is undefeated in Royal Rumbles.
• Lesnar taking down Strowman is my minds equivalent to David and Goliath. Yes that makes Brock, David.
• Brock threw out Erick Rowan already. Cousin Matt says Brock will F5 Strowman before he throws the man out.
• Jack Swagger comes out and F-5’s Swagger and throws him over the top rope.
• Calling Jack Swagger a former World Champion diminishes the credibility of the belt, it doesn’t raise Swagger’s stock.
• The Miz comes out… and yeah.
• Miz comes out and gets hyped to take over Brock Lesnar. Miz goes and grabs the headset of the announcers and doesn’t go in the ring. He says “maybe Suplex City will be Mizney World.”
• Everyone outside of Brock Lesnar is just sitting there. We have Dean Ambrose, Braun Strowman, Brock Lesnar, Chris Jericho, and Miz on the outside.
• Alberto comes out and my cousin and I are thinking that we still need Ziggler, Sheamus, Bray Wyatt, and HHH?
• Brock clotheslines Braun a bunch and eliminates the Wyatt’s
• Bray’s timing could not be worse… his whole family is gone.
• Bray raises his arms and The Wyatts appear on the apron and in the ring. It’s 4-on-1 Brock eliminates the Family AGAIN and we are down to Brock and Bray…
• Brock goes to F5 Bray but Harper Superkicks Brock.. The Wyatt’s eliminate Brock…
• Bray goes right to Jericho who he has been feuding with for a few years.
• Lesnar is pretty pissed and my cousin is sighing.
• My cousin hears Zigglers music and wants Brock to attack him so bad. Lesnar doesn’t… Miz now decides to get in the ring.
• Sheamus music hits and Reigns runs down and punches Sheamus… Boo’s from the crowd.. He comes back refreshed damn this feels cheap… He got to rest while everyone else had to fight.. Owens and Ambrose went through so much more… Ambrose needs to get some justice..
• Roman is killing everyone and boo’s.. Orlando is an alcoholic cause they are full of booze.
• HHH is the 30th entrant.. Cole is shocked. Cousin Matt says “don’t look shocked Roman, you had to run past him.
• No Daniel Bryan by the way… Still boo’s at Roman, HHH got a cheer… For real though ? WrestleMania 25, when Orton beat up HHH and picked on his family. Reigns injured HHH and picked on his family. This is a retribution thing for HHH and I for one am pulling for him.
• They have a stare down and the crowd doesn’t really know how to respond
• Ambrose tries to eliminate HHH while Sheamus is simultaneously trying to eliminate Roman. Bray runs at Sheamus and slams him. Everyone hits signatures. Ziggler almost eliminates HHH with a superkick that had me scared. Bray and HHH face off after that.
• HHH points at Roman and Bray laughs and throws punches at HHH. Wyatt reversed The Pedigree and Sheamus saved HHH from a Sister Abigail.
• HHH and Sheamus eliminate Bray Wyatt. Roman went for a double elimination but Sheamus and HHH held on.
• We have Roman, Dean Ambrose, Jericho, Sheamus, and HHH.
• Jericho hits a codebreaker to HHH and Ambrose throws him out, we are at the final four.
• Ambrose runs at Sheamus and instead of pulling the rope down Sheamus goes for a Brogue kick, Roman is able to eliminate Sheamus… HHH eliminates ROMAN REIGNS!!!
• Ambrose vs. HHH “let’s go Ambrose” from the crowd. Ambrose is the Intercontinental champion. Cole is losing his voice.
• Ambrose is trying so hard to eliminate HHH..
• Guess What? He doesn’t HHH wins and celebrates with his family..
• HHH followed in Flairs footsteps once again.

And I’m Like… That was crazy.. It was predictable yes, but it still pulled it off very well. The best way to get feuds going was this match… I don’t have much to say, I am satisfied with the story told and the stories going forward. Fastlane will be interesting.. We are now on the Road to WrestleMania!!! Safe travels everyone.

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Have a good one

-Jake